Yukiki did not want for much. In his opinion, you had to push away those things that caused distractions to be good at anything. One of the greatest distractions that he'd hoped to avoid was a thing called love. He barely understood it, seeing as he'd never felt it. That didn't matter though because he had seen the damage it caused in novels, in shows and in his life.
He'd expected to never be contaminated by its destructive power. That was until he met Hanana. He knew from the start that she would be the undoing of him. Her insistence on a friendship between them made him more and more certain of this. Her closeness and warmth didn't belong anywhere near him.
Part of his worry was his deep rooted fear of losing control. While he told himself often that he had a good grip on his powers, there was a part of him that kept telling him that, one day, the people who had become his family would be affected by him losing control. There could be death or sickness, he had no idea exactly what would happen.
That is, except when it came to Hanana. She was a flower, fairly delicate and susceptible to extreme things like fire and ice. He could see so clearly her frozen body. It tore him apart inside to realize that it would be his hand that killed her.
Really, it was her fault, wasn't it? If you flew too close to the sun, you burned. If she was concerned with death, she wouldn't stand so close to him or seek him out.
Yukiki could not convince himself of this, no matter how many times he repeated those phrases in his head. He was not like the sun and Hanana was not like Icarus. Hanana wasn't arrogant or foolhardy. She just had a large heart with enough room for all the members of the corps. While Giruru was the object of her affections, she had managed to give a little spot for Yukiki. And Yukiki was not simply a force of nature. He had a mind and a will. If Hanana got hurt because of him, it would be entirely his fault. There would be no one to blame but him.
That sobering realization led him to realize other things. Those things were how he noticed Hanana's easy smile and laugh and how beautiful she was when she did those. He also began to notice every single time their hands brushed or whenever she stood close to him. A heart that he didn't know he had began to pound whenever she was near.
He knew she would be the undoing of him. She made him feel these unnatural emotions. Her warmth was melting him in the place he most feared being melted. He was surprised his chest hadn't grown a big hole in it from the heat produced there.
His fear grew when he noticed these things. He was starting to care more and more about her well-being. If she died, he had no idea what he would do. His feelings were so confusing and abstract. It hurt to think about her death. It hurt so badly that he wasn't able to look at her after he thought these things.
In an attempt to save himself, he tried to push her away, but somehow she saw straight through him and into his mind. She knew he didn't mean to do this, even when he didn't know that. She made him smile.
Soon, he began to grow jealous. He'd never known the feeling firsthand before, but he recognized it. It was poisonous, but it felt more like him than those other inexplicable feelings. Why should she love Giruru? He obviously didn't want her. Why didn't she realize this and give up? There were times when she would cry and all he could think about was comforting her and his growing bitterness towards his work colleague.
When he felt this bitterness, a part of him asked, "Would Hanana really want you to feel this way? Would she stop liking you if she knew you felt this way?"
"This is the only thing that feels natural to me," he would counter. "Hate is better in my line of work than love."
"Don't you get it? Jealousy can't exist without love."
For the first few moments of discovery of this new emotion, he felt lighter and happier. Then his brain began to work and he realized the hopelessness of his position.
She would never love him. No matter how kind and wonderful she was, she couldn't possibly hold enough room in her heart to place him front and center. He could hurt her, so easily. His bitterness towards everything was bound to frustrate her. Not to mention Giruru already had an exclusive place in her heart. She had held onto that love through tears and heartbreak. Why would she let go of that for someone who was entirely new to love and possibly worse than Giruru?
Another wall that stood in the way was Yukiki's belief that he didn't deserve her love. He didn't deserve her friendship even. Every time she smiled at him and said his name it hurt like she'd stabbed him and twisted the knife. Stop acting like you love me. You don't. Why do you do this to me? Why don't you hate me?
He wanted her to hate him. He wanted her to love him. He wanted to stop feeling this way and yet he never wanted to stop feeling this way about her. He wanted to melt in her glow. He wanted to freeze his heart again and never feel another thing. She was going to tear him in two.
Yukiki wasn't going to cry. He would never cry for this. His throat could ache and his heart could squeeze all it wanted but he wouldn't wallow. He was such a glutton for punishment. He always went back to her and felt happy and hollow at the same time.
Whatever he did, he couldn't force himself to reject the pain. If he tried to freeze his heart again, he risked losing the one thing that made him happy. But just because his heart wasn't as frozen anymore didn't make it any less breakable.